I feel that I can give nothing. After quite a bit of restlessness, I resigned in frustration to this fact. That’s when I think I finally started to pay attention to the fact that perhaps giving nothing is the best thing I can give.
After all, what am I? Certainly nothing I say is original; it is an amalgamation of aphorisms borrowed from people far more eloquent, wise, and clever than I. You will find that these reflections do not deviate from this pattern.
So, considering how little of “me” I actually am, why not give up that façade in its entirety and admit that I am nothing, and therefore can contribute nothing of my own?
Please do not mistake this as a self-pitying plea for compliments, or as an ill-disguised mask of humility. I can assure you it is neither, only unabashed truth, and not necessarily an unfortunate one. Perhaps that “nothing” is not nothing. Perhaps that “nothing” is a thing in itself in that it is no specific thing; that is, the absence of a thing. Perhaps the absence of an entity serves as an entity in itself because of its nature as being “absent.” Ergo, perhaps the “nothing” is an actual thing.
Perhaps I can offer that “nothing” to someone.
We distract ourselves from God; it is not that God doesn’t want us to be passionate, or wired, or engaged, or happy, but during those times we have those comforts, those enjoyments to fill us. When our lives are devoid of those things, we feel the emptiness inside us. This can come in many forms: anger, frustration, restlessness, boredom, angst, depression. But when we halt the pity parade and truly look inside ourselves to the root of this hollowness, it is possible that God is providing us the opportunity to grow in intimacy with him without the other distractions. After all, happiness is supposedly fleeting, whereas joy is constant. God is about joy. Rarely is there immediate gratification with him – a true test of devotion for his beloved children, to see who will devote herself to him without the instant reward – but the ultimate payoff of true intimacy with the Lord is complete joy. We all know this, but I feel we rarely take advantage of our opportunity to grow in joy with him because we do not recognize the opportunity before us.
One of my favorite Psalms, 42, repeats:
Why are you downcast, my soul;
why do you groan within me?
Wait for God, for I shall again praise him,
my savior and my God.
Why, indeed? Who knows. No, I didn’t make a mistake with that punctuation. Truth is, we often don’t know why we sometimes feel downcast, or empty, or restless, especially when there’s no specific reason for it. But even if there is, maybe we could try an experiment: seize those moments in which we feel despondent for the nothingness inside us, and give that nothingness to God, so he can fill that space.
I think my point can best be summarized by the following passage:
1If there is any encouragement in Christ, any solace in love, any participation in the Spirit, any compassion and mercy,
2complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love, united in heart, thinking one thing.
3Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves,
4each looking out not for his own interests, but [also] everyone for those of others.
5Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus,
6Who, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God something to be grasped.
7Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,
8he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.
9Because of this, God greatly exalted him
and bestowed on him the name
that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus
every knee should bend,
of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that
Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
- Philippians, 2: 1-11
P.S. Told you none of these ideas are original ;-)
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